Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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