Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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