Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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