Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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