my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
