You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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