She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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