peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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