Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
