We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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