Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
