apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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