apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
