Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
