I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i dont even know how to be here
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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