1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
