he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
