it hurts more in the daytime
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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