my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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