why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
