forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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