she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
