just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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