Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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