Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
