plz talk dirty to me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
