Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
