i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
