I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pants are for mortals
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
