How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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