He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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