The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
be right there i have to get my cape
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
