We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
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I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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