Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
