i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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