Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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