windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
