Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
