Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
