There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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