Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Shame is for Republicans.
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