U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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