i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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