You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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