Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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