where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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