I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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