They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
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Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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