too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
