It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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