Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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