Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The power of my boobs compel you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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