We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
