OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
