Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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