im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
