fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
