Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
