What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I smell stomach acid.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i think my cat just said my name.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
